Your partner and you will inevitably hurt each other. Especially when both of you are overwhelmed. Often unintentionally. You might be triggered and not act as kindly or calmly as you normally would. However, in healthy relationships, conflict is not the biggest predictor of disconnection - Lack of repair is!
Why repair...?
Our nervous systems get into a threat state when we are in conflict - especially with our romantic partner.
Without repair, our nervous systems often don’t fully register that the threat is over. And the stress of this unresolved hurt can compound and over time cost you your relationship…
Yet in our contemporary world, many of us were never taught how to repair in a relational way.
What does repair look like?
So: what does repair look like? There are 5 ingredients:
- A received bid for connection
- Mutual curiosity about the hurt
- Validation of feelings
- Taking responsibility where needed
- Mutually agreed upon future action
(And all are important!)
1. A received bid for connection
A bid for connection needs to be both done AND received.
It looks like:
A touch, eye contact, a message:
- Hey, could we set a time and place to talk about a feeling I have?
Received by a:
- Ok, let’s have a tea and talk
- Give me 20 minutes, I’ll regulate myself first and then be there!
2. Mutual curiosity about the hurt
Mutual curiosity sounds like:
- I’m feeling …, can you help me understand my feeling?
- I would love to explore what happened inside you: your emotions and physical sensations
- When you did …, I felt … - where were you coming from?
- What am I missing? What else…?
Curiosity already helps quite a lot
3. Validation of feelings
A crucial ingredient is validation, which sounds like:
- What I heard was that you felt…
- It makes sense to me that you are feeling that, because…
- Oh, that sounds hard…!
Important note: Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with your partner’s thoughts or actions.
It just requires you to stop denying their feelings and desires!
4. Taking responsibility where needed
Taking responsibility for your part of the relationship sounds like:
- I care about you and your hurt
- I’m with you when you feel this
- Do you need empathy or solutions?
- What would help you feel more connected right now?
And possibly an apology:
- I am truly sorry for the impact my words/actions had on you
!! IMPORTANT NOTICE !!
Do NOT immediately defend yourself or explain your intentions… (I know: they are always good…;))
First make sure your partner’s hurt feels sufficiently heard, validated and emotionally settled.
And only then ask if they have space to hear about where you
were coming from…
5. Mutually agreed upon future action
Getting to mutually agreed upon future action sounds like:
- What does our relationship need?
- What can we, as a team, do to make things better in the future?
- How can we both help manage the impact on you/us next time?
- Ok, so next time, I will… and you will… Do we both commit to this?
And of course: consistently follow through with the new behaviour…!
Repair is not linear…
Lastly, important to know is that repair is not linear. So: incorporate all of the steps and go back and forth when needed!
Bonus points for checking in after a while to see if there is any residue, and whether the actions feel sufficient - and sufficiently consistent :)
Let me know in the comments what the steps are that you most struggle with!
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