I’ve talked about repair before. But there’s a specific reason why I would even call it indispensable.
Read on!
Intimacy compounds
When you are with someone, you can create connection by sharing vulnerably and openly. If that share then is met without judgement or shaming, your nervous system starts to feel safe enough you dare to share something bigger. Your connection thus grows, making you feel increasingly MORE safe to share your inner world.
This safety from strengthened connection is not just mental, but hormonal, also leading to a more satisfying sex life - worthwhile on its own ;)
So, as you can see, all this leads to a very positive upward cycle.
In short we can say: intimacy compounds!
Resentment compounds negatively
Now let’s look at what conflict without repair leads to:
With each unrepaired conflict – especially combined with defensive reactions - connection weakens, trust fades, and safety decreases. More than just lingering negative emotions, this causes resentment.
And… resentment ALSO compounds – but negatively!
Why repair makes such a big difference
So why does REPAIR make such a big difference? Why would I actually call it indispensable?
Well, first of all - and this is a no-brainer: Repair breaks the compounding effect of resentment. Even though conflict feels bad in the moment, repair thus prevents the negative spiral from going down.
But more importantly: because good repair involves mutual curiosity about each other’s experience, taking accountability for your part of the conflict, and following through with careful actions, this makes it an act of vulnerability and care. (Yeap: the very fuel for connection!!)
Repair thus does not just prevent compounding resentment, it actually adds to compounding intimacy!
Simply put:
Though conflict usually is a quite negative experience; conflict WITH good repair (incl. follow-through to prevent recurrence!) is likely to have a net positive effect on your relationship…!
(We just haven’t really learned how to do this in our society…)
Want help with repair conversations? Contact me!
Love, Hanneke
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